3 Weird Shops (with Weird Payment Methods)
Secret Santicorn ‘25 post
Cadaver Menagerie
Nestled in the back of a dinky alleyway of the Otherworld of Paris exists a small, ramshackle place located on room 66 in floor 6. Various jars hang from the rafters, suspending body parts in odd fluids, arms are baskets like brooms and eyes are tied at the stalk in garlands.
Ran by a Necromancer 1 by the name of simply The Madam: a haggard looking woman in her 50s with frizzy hair, bagged and cat-like eyes, pale skin and single sharp nail. Dresses in black silks. Wine-Aunt personality. Accepts only body parts of equal weight to whatever you buy.
Stock after about 10 Minutes of Searching (1d8):
- 1: Waxy Lips: No not wax lips, literally lips of waxy flesh. Sold in a small paper box. Melt backside for a few seconds and attach them to the lips, giving the bearer +2 to reaction rolls. Every usage causes a 1d6-in-100 chance to not be able to take them off. This stacks.
- 2: Obsidian Eye: Stored in a jewelry box. Sees through darkness as if through light, but only through a 30’ radius. Mayhaps if you replaced your own…
- 3: Thighbone of St. Grumlaus: Stored in a gold-embellished tube-case, this bone may be wielded as a club and, if its end touches and undead, it instantly dies. Doing this causes a Target AC-in-10 chance to snap the bone.
- 4: Sorcerer’s Forehead: Stores in a hollowed out grimoire of fake magicks. Contains a random spell written on it in Voynichic. Can be used as a regular scroll or, if replaced with someone’s forehead, they may cast that spell at will.
- 5: Wulfengtoþ: A Doggerlandic Fang-Dagger, fished out in the 9th century and passed down by Anglo-Saxon lords until ending up here: wrapped in bandages that have painted in runes singing to Tiw and Fenrir. Stabbing someone with it causes them to make a Save vs Disease. A success gives them powers of a werewolf, held long dormant in the knife. A failure gives the rabies.
- 6: Knee of Daedalus: Attributed to the ancient inventor and stored in a Greek puzzle-box. Those who saw off their leg from the knee down, stick this pen-protractor like device in and their leg, their speed doubles. Stopping to move at any second caused the leg to fall off.
- 7: Green Thumb: Rotted and gangrenous, this thumb (stored in a jar of alcohol) does three things. If worn or held, the user can issue simply commands to plants (such as to split or to tie someone up). If stitched onto the hand, the user can have complete control over plants. Eating it and succeeding a Save vs Disease allows communication between man and plant, who are not too happy if mind-controlled.
- 8: Long Arm of Law: Aforementioned arm in basket, dried up and shirvelled. It can stretch out 10’ and, if attached to someone, can stretch instead up to double.
The Aerie
Somewhere in the mountains lies a tall, spike-like building made of mud. Approaching it you hear the squeaking of birds and, going inside, it is filled with hundreds of avians.
It is rain by a man with black eyes, puckered and long lips, sharp fingers and feathery hair 2. He says that you need not pay him, and that if you wish for one you must simply let the bird roost here for the summer 3.
After an hour of wading through bird cac and giblets lets you find one of these (1d10):
- 1: Razor-Tailed Swift: A Swift with thin, long, metallic tail feathers. When it divebombs it attacks as if with a sword.
- 2: Slate-Mantled Goshawk: A Goshawk with mud-caked feathers. Can fly as normal but has plate-like AC.
- 3: Greatest Prairie Chicken: A grouse that is 6 times its size! (So about twice the size of a human).
- 4: Meridian Metaltail: A hummingbird that seems to flash iridescent colors. Letting it stick its beak in your blood veins causes you to regain 1d4 HP of magical healing.
- 5: Bee-tailed Blue-Eater: A bee-eater bird that, when it flaps its wings, causes storm of bees to appear and attack. Must eat blue things to live.
- 6: Birdcicada: Bird-sized cicada. Can deafen those who hear it with its chirping.
- 7: Blight-Bellied Sea Eagle: This bird of far travels carries plagues of distant lands. Touching it causes a Save vs Disease, with failure giving you a random illness.
- 8: Ogre-Breasted Foliage Gleaner: 2d10 furnariids with weird tummy patterns. If enough of these fly overhead, they will display a pattern that looks like an ogre, causing fear (and morale checks) in all those below.
- 9: Back-headed Woodpecker: This woodpecker has its head for its back and its back for its head. That’s really it. Its appearance does confuse those who look at it.
- 10: ”Bird”: This is definitely not a bat that’s been tarred and feathered and had a dagger stuck to its face? What are you? Crazy?
Gordon, Gordon and Gordon’s
A magical furniture store, seems bigger on the inside than outside. Stocked by gnome employees with tired looks and emaciated bodies. All of them are called Gordon.
Ran by a weirdly tall guy 4 called Gordons (Not Gor-DON, Gor-DONS). He insists you don’t have to pay, only that you try the furniture for a while 5.
After 10 minutes of wandering you come upon one of these (d4):
- 1: Shrinking Pouf: A pouf that can shrink down into carrying size. About a foot tall and 2 feet wide at max size. Very soft.
- 2: Floating Carpet: Not a flying carpet, a floating carpet. Can support weight like a raft.
- 3: Bottomless Trashbin: A seemingly normal trashbin, whatever is thrown in it never appears again 6.
- 4: Videodrome 7: An analogue tv set, the channels all show a different demesne of hell.
Magician of 5HD, AC: 9, MD: 1d8+1d2. +1 to Magic on Corpses, -1 on Living Beings. +2 when burning crushed bone as Incense. Attacks with a Staff topped with skulls. Knows these spells off the top of her head (without the aid of her black book): Limb-Shrivel: Cause a limb to wither and die, reducing a stat by X points. Necrofamilliar: Raise a corpse to be a loyal servant with X HP. Sinewstitch: Requires a lead needle. Sews gristle and muscle back. Reduce a Wound and regain X HP↩
He becomes a Wereparrot (stats Roc with Lycanthrope weaknesses) if threatened.↩
failing to do so will cause the bird to peck your brain out and use your skull as it’s nest.↩
two gnomes in a trench coat who can’t remember which is the original Gordon↩
Save vs Magic as per Sleep. Falling asleep causes you to wake up 1d4 hours later as an employee.↩
Actually pops out of an identical trash can 1d4 months of travel away.↩
like the movie↩